[Personal] Who am I?

#np: Subaru by Alice Nine
#mood: kesel, bingung, pesimis



Yah, pada taulah gimana kondisi emosi gw kalo lagi dengerin Subaru-nya Alice Nine. Tiap kali dengerin lagu ini, gw pasti nangis tanpa sebab, meski gw (waktu awal2) ngga ngerti artinya. Tapi ternyata... artinya emang sedih ya, terutama lirik "In the night sky, there are stars that can't shine alone."

Well, this is the dumbest thing in my mind. What happens to me? It's not "happened", it's not "happening". It's "happens".

Gw berasa I'm not the one who wants to struggle anymore, I'm not the one who wants to get a good score anymore, I'm not the one who knows what to do. Liat aja status bbm gw: Kusotare banget sih. Yah, taulah tujuannya buat siapa. Ngga perlu gw sebutin, toh siapapun bisa jadi Kusotare dalam hidupnya.

Tapi gw membuktikan pada diri gw kalo gw itu kekanakan. Teknologi kok dijadiin ajang buat pamer perasaan. Kesel sih kesel, tapi seharusnya gw lebih bisa mengendalikan diri. Itu media teknologi, artinya bisa kesebar ke mana aja. Kalo gw tau siapa sebenarnya gw dan sifat gw seperti apa, curhat di media teknologi yang terang-terangan seperti BB adalah hal aneh.

Makanya dari itu. Gw ngga tau siapa diri gw sebenarnya. Gw berasa "udah cukup" dengan apa yang gw dapet beberapa minggu lalu, padahal masih ada yang lebih di atas gw. Seharusnya rasa kayak begini ngga boleh ada, soalnya tiap manusia kan ngga punya rasa puas. Bisa dibilang, gw bukan manusia.

Well, people can say, "Don't worry. There's no right or wrong in this."
But, what if I feel there's something wrong and I feel worry about this? I'm just human. And this is too complex to be explained through these meaningful symbols.

Does it mean that I'm tired with this condition?
I just wanna be like I was back then, but I don't wanna be that hard with myself. I just wanna enjoy my life.

Gossh... I feel so stupid...

Ok. This time, I must change. Pay attention to the class, pay attention to the assignment, pay attention to my future. If I wanna go to Japan, just struggle in the middle of uncertain things. If I believe in myself, I should can do anything.